When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
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DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
Fluff me with a fork baby
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.