When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
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*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.