I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
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The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
🤣😂
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.