I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
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Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
my friends when i can’t do basic math
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.