When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
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me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
Me too 😆
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope