@Jimmy_Smacks: When someone says "We can still be friends" after a break up it's like saying..."The dog died but can we still keep it?"
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@ANastyGorilla: I'm thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
@ThingsJackDigs: Barista: got a latte for “Batman”! Is there a “Batman” here? *everyone looks at me* Me [dressed as Batman]: that's not me, my name is Jack
@Sal0630: Sorry I pissed on the walls of your bathroom, but the flowery wall paper made me think I was outside.. Also you're out of Valium
@JizzIam: Called my mum to tell her I was stuck in a rut. She yells that life is tough, get on with it & hangs up. I'm now waiting on a tow truck.