When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
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I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.