@Jimmy_Smacks: When someone says "We can still be friends" after a break up it's like saying..."The dog died but can we still keep it?"
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@Sarcasmo718: I'd love to see Jason Statham's face when he finds out you can turn down movie roles.
@trevso_electric: Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend's birth control that says, "guess u don't want 2 have my babies haha."
@jonnysun: WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him ME: ok [drives to hospital] ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one