When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
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Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Intelligence is the new cleavage
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.