@ITomHorvat: When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
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@Book_Krazy: My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn't remember we're camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
@knot_eye: I can't be the only one that sees the day when a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
@StarksWeek: "I put on pants for nothing" - my 10 yo after she got dressed and her soccer game was cancelled. Someone set up her Twitter account.
@davidbfunny: Dear waiter, You messed up my order because you didn't write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip. Love, David