When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
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My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.