When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
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WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
This is the coolest video you will see today.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076