The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
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[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine