@gtfml: When someone tells me they're a bodybuilder, I always ask "Not the Dr. Frankenstein kind, right?" because you can never be too careful.
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@maughammom: Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
@Brampersandon_: [doing a sexy skype chat] GF: show me urs & I'll show u mine ME: mmm baby I can't wait *we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
@TheMichaelRock: *wife notices the books all over the floor* FOR THE LAST TIME, THERE'S NO SECRET PASSAGE!