When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
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How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
What’s this sorcery? 😂
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath