@Freudianscript: When someone tells you to "get a Life," just take theirs. They'll be happy you took their advice, and you'll be happy they're dead.
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@thetigersez: Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I'm good-looking, so I'm, like, nah.
@ItsAndyRyan: First date Her: So what do you do? Him: I'm currently trying to eliminate all cancers Her: Wow, impressive Him: Then I'll move on to Virgos
@DaddyJew: I just watched one kid call his twin brother ugly and now I'm just waiting for him to realize what that means
@Flykins: COP: "Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?" ME: "It was way easier than solving a murder?"