Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
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Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
January has been Januweary
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked