@Freudianscript: When someone tells you to "get a Life," just take theirs. They'll be happy you took their advice, and you'll be happy they're dead.
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@FuckabillyRex: Her: Is that a banana in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? Me: It's a meatball sub and I'm happy as long as I don't have to share
@KeetPotato: [studying beached whale] its a new species bill think of a name ok um *surfer walks by* yo killer whale dude *biologists look at each other*
@jergarl: My stages of awkward: Sober me: I don't know what to do with my hands Drunk me: I don't know what to do with my face High me: What face?
@minivansandgin: Hear toddler having meltdown at Target Me: Parents should control their kids! Cashier: Isn't she yours? Me: C: I saw her come in with you.