When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
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Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.