When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
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“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew