When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
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WTF IS AN ACRONYM
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
Probably my best painting.
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
water it, i dare you
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.