im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
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People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
Oh hi lol
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.