Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
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Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over