“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
You Might Also Like
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
SCARY COSTUME
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes