When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
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[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.