When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
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You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
Thrilling chase underway
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
Tough love is true love
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
Basketball
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.