when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
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Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
john wicks are toilet candles
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly