When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
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Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
Breaking news:
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
best review i’ve ever seen
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.