@sadmonsters: When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
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@ItsAndyRyan: Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years Me: That's a long sentence! Judge: Ok - "you get 10 years"
@Lunatic_times: I cut my finger on a beer can, I now know how Julius Caesar felt when he was betrayed by his best friend.
@50NerdsofGrey: His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn't take it any more. 'Would you just eat your donut already?!?'