@sadmonsters: When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
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@MartaEffing: I know you've been here. I can smell you, still taste you on my lips. I crave more, but it's over now. Also, you're a donut. And I ate you.
@kibblesmith: A good prank if you're in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn't paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
@panmidwest: I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It's like he's saying: "I'm better than you—but not by much."
@Barknado69: [Marriage Counseling] Her: he always mixes two common sayings together that aren't relevant Me: well, blood is thicker than the early bird