@sadmonsters: When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
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@TheMichaelRock: HR: welcome to sexual harassment training. Me *raises hand* I'm gonna leave. HR: it's mandatory. Me: There's nobody here I would harass.
@vanluvz1: I'm at my most nurturing when I'm plotting a way to drop my 12 yr old at school 3 days early.
@AaronFullerton: "You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something..." *cop gets all up in suspect's face* "Targeted. Banner. Ads."