@Thedudish: When the cat sits on my head, my shadow looks like Batman.
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@ianduhig: "I am the ghost of Christmas Future Perfect Subjunctive: I will show you what would have happened were you not to have changed your ways!"
@InternetHippo: MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have? ME (through tears): A…a friend
@Gre_Gone: [coming through customs] Okay Sir 1 last thing before we're done. Is there anything you'd like to declare? *slams passport* "I've had sex."
@joeljeffrey: I'm glad chocolate bars come with resealable packages, so I can eat half now, and the other half 1 minute from now.