@Thedudish: When the cat sits on my head, my shadow looks like Batman.
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@Black__Elvis:  We Indians will bury the hatchet and teach you to farm. *Pilgrims huddle* It's a ruse, this soil looks awful for growing hatchets.
@david8hughes: [sees a dog about to get run over] Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close [sees a cat about to get run over] Me: car coming
@thenoahkinsey: When someone at the gym asks if I'm "using that equipment", I say "No, my love for it is real." To date, I'm the only one to find that funny