When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
You Might Also Like
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
He a real one for that
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”