When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
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Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots