When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
You Might Also Like
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster