I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
You Might Also Like
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances