when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
You Might Also Like
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight