When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
You Might Also Like
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
Anyone want a chair?
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
Should I call tech support or pray or what
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”