I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
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*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.