When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
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My spirit animal is fried chicken
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas