When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
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The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
Brands during Pride
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?