When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
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I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”