When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
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My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Money is the root of all wealth
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.