When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
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Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
Wait for it
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
This rocks