When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
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Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
Meow
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything