When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
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“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
as is their right
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.