Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
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realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
Meth is short for Elizameth.
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please