Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
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Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.