When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
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It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.