When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
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WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.