when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
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I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
Namaste
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
Me in tagged photos
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos