When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
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Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”