When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
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me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.