When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
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7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]