my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
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Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him