When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
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Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi