when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
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ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
Best mom ever 😂
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?