@DaddyJew: When you catch someone picking their nose it's important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
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@SardonicTart: [Gone for an hour] Boss: Where have you been? Me: There was a new roll of toilet paper in the bathroom and I couldn't find the beginning.
@LizHackett: There are approximately 45 seconds between "I'll make us an omelet" and "We're having scrambled eggs."
@justaride: I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective