@DaddyJew: When you catch someone picking their nose it's important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
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@lecalabara: Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
@chopper4jk: Text: How come you stopped drinking? Me: Because I kept waking up with you. Her: I hate you.
@Tylerosis: Let's do something we both know we'll regret in the morning. Let's order KFC for dinner.
@TheAlexNevil: 7 barges into bathroom while I'm showering, laughs & says "I saw your peanut." He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.