When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
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Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
Feels
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested